True Mastery

I see life more like an artisan skill you gain

and the only way to get better is through living.

We all start off as novices working to prove ourselves,

and work our way into apprentices.

We watch and learn from every teacher we have,

and gain knowledge from others failures and our own successes.

One day we'll leave home and become journeymen,

on our own to show the world what we have for them.

We will learn from our own failures and hear stories of others successes,

and become jealous because we want more of our own.

And as we grow we will soon become experts,

we will know how to handle they everyday routine.

But when the exotic hits us like a ton of bricks,

our best solution is to just fight our way through,

because we learned to do that a long time ago.

And as life gets closer we become professionals,

we are used to the mundane and exciting in life,

we can take on all that life throws at us,

and still come out alive.

However we will not escape

our inevitable fate in life,

and it will continue to grow closer.

And life is the only trait that we can never master,

and you will die trying.

Accepting Rejection

My mind is what it is

because I learned to accept "no"

but now I have no strive

to get where I need to go.

I know that true love

is only for those who can accept it

but in order to receive

you cannot be rejected.

My entire life has been 

a long list of denial,

and even though I try

that list is now in a file

and I have learned to quick send

every rejection letter there

so I can feel more secure

but I'm truly so sacred.

I am afraid from ever

hearing anyone say no

and when I grow up

having nothing to show

from trying hard all my life

and being turned down every time

love is what love was fifteen years ago,

a strive to be accepted,

and I've accepted that I'm not accepted,

and I've sent it to the file,

that way I will never care

and I will never be in denial.

I'll tell myself the world is just fine

but I'm truly scared of what it has,

but I'll lie so I can trick myself

but the truth now is not different from the past,

I'd rather be accepted,

than turned down and rejected.  

The Thief and Taxes

I was walking on a path many had traveled long before I had, and many will after I have, and until their time comes it is my time to walk among the millions of footprints still etched in the mud. As I was walking a man approaches and he calls himself my friend. He spoke so kindly it was almost hard to understand why he pulled out a knife and told me "give me your money or I can take it the hard way." Shocked, I accuse myself for falling for this trap of the thief, but then he reassured me, "Don't worry, this money will go to your protection, for down this road there are many wolves, bears, and thieves that will try to harm you, but I will keep you safe, just give me your money." Noticing his point, for the path did seem dangerous and I had no protection I actually felt safe giving him my money. When I do so and the man says, "I will go back into the woods, but don't worry, I will be there if there is a problem."

I continue down my path, and as I do there is no harm that comes near me. I realize the wolves he warned me about were foxes, and the bears he spoke of were just rabbits. There was no thief who tried to hurt me, but a beggar approached and asked if I had money. "No" I said, "I gave it to the man back down the road for my protection."
"There are no such things along this path that will harm you. The man was a thief that made you feel safe, and you paid him for safety you never will need. He stays down there along the path and steals from everyone else just as he has stolen from you."
"I will go back and get my money from him then-"
"It's to late for he is the strongest man around with an even sharper wit and tongue. Retrieving this money would result in your death."
"Well then what shall I do now?"
"You become what I have," the beggar said, "a victim of taxes."

Everyone Hates the Lawyer

I feel like a kid if I remember it correctly,
but I know I'll never be a child again.
I am no son of man because man doesn't want me,
I'm a stray dog left out of the pack.
I was no good at hunting, I was useless to them,
and now I sit cold and alone, knowing my future
rests in the hands of every decision that I make,
and I know that the wrongs outnumber the rights,
but if I could do the right thing just for once,
it would be for the purpose of proving it to all of you.
I am not a bad man, nor am I a blind man.
I am a weak man succumbed by sin.
I am not widely hated, but I want to be a lawyer,
so lets see how long this love lasts.
If I really, really could be anything when I grew up
I would want to be a child again.
I want to push buttons that make weird noises because I think it's funny,
I don't want to take everything so seriously,
If I could I'd be the same child that never shed a tear when I gashed open my leg,
or the one that fell down the stairs and was okay,
the one who smiled when everything in hell was against me,
and my only regret was missing the last Rugrats episode,
because I miss Rugrats just as much as I miss my childhood,
or good Spongebob episodes, or light-brights, or Bop It,
I miss it all but I'm expected to be more,
no, I'm expected to be less than the greatest I've ever been,
as a child, so foolish I was wise,
because I was so gullible I believed without a doubt in my mind,
but now everything I once knew has to many questions,
and no answer is available to quench my thirst for more understanding.
It forces doubt upon me and I want it all gone,
but it sits in the back of my head like every voice that mocked me,
saying it's all a lie and it was never real.
As a child I knew it was true,
but as I grew the truth seemed too true. 

Entry 2: Fear

A child has not heard so much as to know what will and what will not possibly hurt them. Up until around age 6 they seem to be fearless to everything around them because to them it looks like another toy. Example, when I was younger I used to love going on swings, and every chance I could get I would swing as high as I could, but now I think getting on one will snap it and trust me, that hurts. Yes, it has happened to me before, and I'm not sure if it's me getting older and knowing what can hurt me or just me being fat. Or both. All I know is I'm always a little hesitant to get on the swings now.

Here's a story I heard once. There was a little boy (because of my lack of knowledge of his name, I will call him Timmy) who loved the snow. He was about 5 and a half years old when it first started snowing and even though it wasn't much he went out and made snow angels. However, he waited until the biggest storm to go out and sled. Finally, a few weeks later it hit and it was exactly how he wanted it to be so he got out the sled and went to the big neighborhood hill. Now, at his age, all you want to think about is the fun aspect of whatever is happening, and all Timmy was thinking about was how fast he could go. He then went to the top of the hill and aimed down the street he would sled down.

Take in all the factors, big hill, lots of snow, fast sled, on a street which intersected with another. These are all the factors I look at before putting myself into a situation like this, but that is because I fear every possible scenario, and Timmy didn't. Timmy took a few steps back, then took a good leap and launched down the hill, and in seconds he passed the intersection and just had to drag his feet to slow down, except Timmy wanted to push it. He decided he would wait longer than usually to slow down. At the same time, a driver was backing out of his driveway furious that he had to go to work on such a cold day and that was just distracting enough to make him not even think about looking for anything, or in this case, anyone. Timmy was still going fast when he saw a giant metal figure appear before him, but dragging his feet was not gonna slow him down fast enough.

When Timmy thought he could go farther than usual he was proven wrong by the thick framing of the SUV in front of him. Timmy's last thought when going down the hill was the possibility of a car, all he thought about was his going down a powdery white alley, but cars are not powdery, they are heavy built with thick metal plating.

So back to fear, is it bad that we fear? Clearly, Timmy might have been just fine if he feared the possible outcome of his situation. Fear is what keeps us safe, it's what tells us to be cautious so we don't get hurt. Don't hate your fears, thank them. People are scared of spiders because they know that they can hurt you, or they are scared of the darkness because anything can reside there, but that is what keeps them from getting near spiders or the darkness, and that is why people like them will live longer. You're not tough because you say you're fearless, you are actually far weaker than everyone else.

However, don't let these fears control you. I hate heights but I love roller-coasters. You need to know that even though you may be scared of something, there is always a way to solve that problem. You can kill a spider, or take a flashlight. Figuratively, there is an imaginary "seatbelt" to every bad situation, rely on that seatbelt. Relying on it will help you feel more free.  

It shakes the foundations of lives
and kills many men at a time
and water sweeps through
the earth as it cracks open
but I will not hide.

As the trumpets ring out
silently the chariot will gather the souls
death on his horse will come
and we will ride with him into the heavens
and we will be best friends.

The demons will crawl out from the
depths they have buried their heads in
now that the light has been covered up
by the dust and the smoke from the lung
of man and sin as one

But we will march into the sky triumphant
we accept our key and unlock the gates of
life and love so perfect together
eternal perfect love
as we listen to the trumpets.

Entry 1: Contrast

Before I begin actually writing, I would like you to understand what this is. Basically, over the next few weeks I'm going to write ten entries, each one dealing with a certain moral or life lesson. And now I give you, entry 1.

CONTRAST

It seems as if everyone wants the money, but no one wants to do the work to get it. 

Because people say life is so hard and they never get anything out of all the good things we do.

They say everyone hates them, and that we all strive to make them miserable.

But I don't complain about the same things they do, and we both live and die the same. 

Every word underlined has an opposite meaning, an antonym if you will. Some are just relatively opposite, and some have more than one contradiction. Everyone want's the things that work out in their favor, no one wants the antonym. For example, everyone "wants" something, but no one will try to actually get it (in the example, the word "try" can be substituted for "work"). However, if we all just got what we wanted at our whim, then we wouldn't respect anything, and that is why we need to accept work, because things are much more valuable to us when you have to work for it (or if it's stolen, for those of you who catch my drift.) 

Basically, its the overstated but underrated idea that without A we don't have B. We need to learn that death is not just another part of life, but it's what makes life more desirable, because no one who is reasonable wants to die. However, there seems to be less of a problem of people complaining about death than the ones complaining about something else. Everyone wants to be loved, but we all have to face the fact that we all have haters. There is no love without hate, so why not accept what you can and ignore the rest? 

It's an all or nothing deal, if you want love you get hate, and if you just simply want something, you get work. We all need to come to a simple understanding that everything has an opposite reaction, and we need to learn to deal with that.

Love to Fail

I'm walking on the lines but I keep on missing the fine lines, always stepping on the gaping holes.

And every bone in me is so faulty from rust that my ability to run has gone away,

And I get back up but I've been set up to fail all my goals.

And since I'm no tin-man no oil can help me, I'll just sit here and decay.

Well I'm always walking the lines but they spell out everything wrong with me.

As I walk along all I can think of is the one problem I have with my mind,

I want to be more free but this hell makes me unhappy,

and I want to be happy but the restlessness keeps me awake at night.

I would love more than anything in the world to follow the lines,

but I keep on stepping backwards sideways into the wrong directions, 

I just want to walk straight ahead but it seems more difficult at the time.

but then again what lies ahead is full of my own imperfections. 

Just let my heart be, it seems the failure is meant for me.

I'll let everyone down but convince them I'm worth the bill.

half of me is not where it should be

They binge drink and I binge eat,
none of us purge, we keep in our defeat,
and I wash then rinse the plate away,
and repeat this system every day.
I try to find peace in this piece of cake,
I try to find love in some chicken bake,
I want to find a hug in this chocolate shake ,
I need to find hope in salisbury steak.
But I'm so full, but why do I feel so empty?
I've filled all these holes with the food I eat,
I wish to find love but for now it's just me,
and I keep on trying to beet the words into myself.
That my world is not reality, I'm just so alone,
and this world doesn't want me.
This world looks for people who are perfect and pretty,
and they strive everyday to reach the top of that list.
While I'm down here.
I'm not trying to complain, I've learned to swallow this,
with the ice cream and pizza and everything that doesn't fill the hole,
I just want to be one half of a whole,
but everyone keeps matching two rights with no left,
and every time I sit behind, I'm left by myself,
and I surely have a hole in me,
but until this world learns to be accepting I'm alone,
I'm just the half without a whole.

The Rainbow

Once you go over the rainbow,

there is no turning back,

but there is love and joy

so I've been told,

no more worries

of money and gold.

Just laugh and smiles
and gumdrop bears,
no hate no pain
cause nobody cares
all this over the rainbow,
just one step over the rainbow,
how do I get over the rainbow?...

It Seems I'm You

Tear out my heartstrings and play the chords to the song I wanna hear.
Play it a little bit louder cause I'm all the way over here.
I'll listen closely for the words to guide me out,
and I'll follow you until the song stops ringing and your voice stops singing.

Tie my heartstrings together and you can make yourself a rope.
It's as strong as I am and I know I can hold you.
I will support your life even though it's so bitter.
I won't drop you, I swear it, just don't give me a reason to.

Throw it over the top and tie it to the mast.
Hoist the sails and ship out to the open sea.
The wind will start blowing but don't worry
it's just you and me.

Take that rope and tie one to each arm and each leg.
Make me dance however you want me to, I'm a puppet for you.
Make me a joke so you can laugh or friend you can talk to.
All you need to know is that I'm there for you.

Now take that rope,
make two loops,
thirteen more around
and you've got yourself a noose.
fasten it around me,
hang me out to dry.
Just don't cry,
I've had my time.

I know what it is like to stop an addiction,
but you do not carry a weak soul, I know that as a fact.
You are just scared of having nothing,
because you think that he is everything,
there is so much more in this damn world,
it pisses me off to see you beg,
because  you cry for him when another man died for you,
and you could honestly care less about him.

you're following the footsteps of a man with two left feet,
and so far you've only been counter productive.
you used to stand and speak what you believe,
now it's all insanity and no thinking what the downside of a stupid idea could be,
you will do anything to be accepted,
I suppose that is what you have in common,
but you have more will and you don't need to be accepted,
I'll tell you right now people will love you for who you are.

All of your perfections are covered up by your mistakes,
your imperfections are only highlighted by them,
and you just seem to cry over the simplest things,
when nothing has ever been blamed on you.
Over all what you fear the most is a broken heart.
Well let me say, it's better to have loved and lost,
than it is never to have loved at all.
Take that from the man who has never been loved. 

Loners

I cry for the man who is horribly misunderstood,
because I see his qualities within me.
Unable to explain why everything is so wrong,
though on the inside I'm trying to be right.
I wish eyes saw through the first layer of skin,
to view a heart of a man is a gift,
modern civilization tells us beauty is riches,
and as for the others we are dead.
No longer does hope shine for the weak.
It's safer to stay behind closed doors,
shutting yourself in so they wont see your tears,
but I stand right outside crying for you
because I am you.
No one else can understand our pain.
Everyday we only see what is in our hand.
We are not allowed to see what we don't have,
those dreams will be crushed,
and then where will we be.
Hiding from pain that lies outside,
but the source of our pain lies within.
They wont understand your life,
but it is your job to make it through
without shutting the door.
No beauty, no love,
but we always have each other,
don't turn your backs on one another,
we have all been outcast into this world.
Among blistering eyes.
We are our own escape from a world of hate.
I want to save you,
but there is so much separating me and you,
because as the imperfects,
we are supposed to feel alone,
and I'm sitting right next to you.

War is the Answer

There is a time and place for everything,

so where is love right now?

Surely not in this world,

full of hate and despicable lies.

Evil people killing for happiness,

laughing at the tears of the innocent.

No, there is no love on this earth for anyone.

Just sadness as it sits on your porch step.

Waiting for you to let them in.

So don't tell me that you're happy.

Those words go over my head,

which is pounding from trying to figure out 

the answer to all the problems.

And I can assure you that your love isn't it.

Because when there is no love there is hate,

and that will only lead to war.

I guess we have no other solution...

War is the answer.

Nascar

I feel silence,
though these winds are blowing around these clouds
and I'm on cloud nine,
wondering how I'll ever get back down to earth,
which is spinning like a melting pot of races,
and the winner of this race is never designed,
but we all walk the track,
we walk it alone with everyone else.
Alone.
And loneliness has never felt so comforting,
to know I have a beating heart to myself,
and you can share mine with me when you die,
cause I'm never gonna die.
At least I hope I won't.
But if I do, I want to be alive when I die.
I want to die with our hearts as one.
One man does not walk the earth happily.
We all have a longing for love.
But love is defined by the winner of this race,
who is never defined.
Is dictionary or context definition the best?
Better to be right than wrong, so which one wins?
Winning in an argument with the same words.
Words forming labyrinths of sentences.
Trapping us in our own world of words.
Imprisoning us until we escape what we have said.
Escape recited in some lovely words.
Your death foresighted by a loon on a corner.
With millions of dollars from those worried about their soul.
Wondering if their soul will make the cut.
But they worry so much they kill to win.
Win this race I never understood.
I guess some are better to just sit on the sidelines.
I'm one of them.
And as for those who won the race.
I suppose everyone did.

Where Have I Been?

You talk like I'm not here.
Every word you say reaches my ear.
Every letter that spills out spells out another tear.
Those tears which drown me in my own worst fears.

A fear of being alone,
a fear of being colder than snow,
a fear that I'll have nothing to show,
for a lifetime's work, I want to let it all go.

My heart ticks like a bomb,
exploding headaches until sanity wears off of me.
now my heart burns from all the smoke and sadness,
swallowing it all and hoping it will stay down.

I'll wash it all down with anything + alcohol.
That's pretty much all I've learned.
To bad I could not understand to much,
and now I can't compensate for lost years.

Now I'm drowning.
I'm not sure if its the gin or the fears again.
I'm to scared to let it all in.
The moment I close my eyes I am condemned.
I miss you and it's about to end.

There are no words that do you justice,
just a broken heart from being alone,
and your not even gone.
You are just not here,
and now I'm gonna drown in my own worst fears.

I'll open up,
and let it all out,
all the fears, the insanity, the heartbreaking bomb, the headaches the smoke the booze,
let it all flow out.

And through the thickest smoke I see
you.
Begging for me.
I want to run but I'm to scared to move.
And now your gonna suffocate in my own worst fears

Bridge (A Story)

A treasure seeker was finding his way through the woods when he came upon a bridge. On the other side of it was the most beautiful sight. When he approached the swinging limb and old man stopped him. This old man had and old torn robe and dirt stained skin. His hair was gray but painted brown by the mud. He had many cuts and bruises, scars to remind him of his mistakes he made. The old man spoke, "You must not cross this bridge until you have left everything you posses right where you stand."

"But", the man begins to plea, "All my gold and all my treasures, it has taken me a lifetime to gather them."

"To cross this bridge with so much weight will make it shake, for it is not strong after many years it has worn out and can't stand strong. Sir you must leave your valuables or you will fall!"

"Nonsense." Says the wanderer, "I have no time for this foolishness!"

And the wanderer walked up to the bridge before staring down into the black river waters.

"Old man, why do these waters run so dark?"

"Because every time a man falls in he is consumed by the waves and his sin colors the water blacker than the darkest night."

"So you say it is evil that makes the waters run black rather than blue in this here river?"

"Yes, every crooked man has bled his very pain to color this river."

"Why is no other river as dark as this, when men have fallen into them."

"Because all rivers lead to this river, and this river flows on forever."

"This is a myth, and you make a mockery of my intelligence. Evil has no color and there is no river that will go onto eternity! This must be a joke you play on travelers to keep them from crossing this bridge. I bet when a man crosses it you take his belongings for yourself, and you sell them to the highest bidder. You are nothing but a thief, and I will have no tolerance for you!"

"If you are worried I may steal, then I will cross the bridge with you."

The wanderer was lost for words, and before he could speak the old man told him,"Drop your treasures, throw them into the water, and follow me. If you feel that you need them then you can dive right back in to get them."

The wanderer was angered but did as the old man asked, curious about what resided on the other side, and confident of his own strength. The old man went first, holding onto the ropes for balance they began to cross with the wanderer just a few steps behind. 

Many times the wanderer fell but the old man caught him. He would slip but the old man would set him back on his feet. He was worried about his ability to cross this bridge, and wondered how the old man could cross it so easily. Time and time again this bridges trials proved to better the man, and he grew confident that the bridge will stand. 

As they neared the end the old man's scars began to fade. His torn robe turned into a silk one which would lift your hopes at the touch. His skin became pure of blemish, and his hair grew long and beautiful. The wanderer looked at the sight with to many questions. They reached the end, to a gate built high with pearls. The old man was now a beautiful being, and for the last time he spoke, "These waters have darkened, but it has yet to consume another soul, you left your glory behind to accept glory of a higher standard. You had many trials but your faith held strong, and now the bridge was your last problem."

The angel opened the gates, and the light shown out brighter than the sun. A peace overcame the wanderer and beautiful music filled his ears. The wanderer entered the gates, and this beauty was forever his. 

Mirrors

Your life is like a mirror,
you can see what is behind you,
and everything around you.
But what about whats ahead of you?
This mirror blocks out everything.
This includes your hopes and dreams.
And you stare at it forever,
hoping it will break on its own.

Shatter that mirror.

Midnight Sun

This poem is very much based on a poem which I have heard. It greatly applied to my life so I decided to remake the poem in my own version. I do not know the author or the name of the poem I derived the idea from, but I give great thanks to him. Enjoy.

My grandpa use to tell me, if you go out in the middle of the night,
and look way, way , way out into the sky,
you may see the sun rise.

And when its quiet enough outside,
if you took a bag out at night,
you might catch a snipe.

I always thought my grandpa was right,
those jokes are what made my childhood nice,
and I would wait to see the sun rise at night,
and hoping that one day I would catch that snipe.

But my imagination just died one day,
I figured the sun only rise in the day,
I guess the snipes must have all ran away,
or was it time to start work and stop play.

I really loved and miss those younger times,
when I had my growing childhood mind,
where possibility did not need to be defined,
where imagination could not be confined.

I guess now that everything must die,
from childhood to our everyday lives,
as you get older you mind will run dry,
these rivers wont flow, no matter how much you cry.

But for some reason I decided to go out one night,
and just for some fun I looked into the sky,
I mean way, way, way, out into the sky.

And I swear I saw the sun rise.

The Flowers of the Grey Fields

If you look out into these fields, these dark grey fields,
you will feel your heart sink inside you.
For the flowers have all died away,
and though the seasons never change,
they froze up into statues of ice and cried.
The sang songs of woe with each other,
trying to rise up to the top,
trying to be the tall, blooming flower.
The one beautiful flower in the field of dead flowers.
The flower that stood out.

But if you want to find the truly beautiful flower,
you will need to wander these fields for years.
For the prettiest flowers are the ones that don't try to be beautiful,
they just stay hidden among the rest.
Hiding from the biting cold,
and the ever blowing winds,
they blossom, but they don't stand out.

There are no flowers that stand out in this field of grey,
the prettiest flowers have all gone astray,
turning away from the Son and now every day,
they are slowly crumpling and dying away.

Oh, little flower hidden among the rest,
you don't have to try to be your best,
because when the grey flowers time is done,
you are the one that kept your eyes on the Son,
just don't drop your eyes from the Son.

Because I'm Fat and No One Likes Me.

I'm going to play World of Warcraft all day,
Because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to tell myself McDonald's is healthy,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to go for a walk by myself,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to scarf down every bit of food I receive like a pig,

because I'm fat and no one likes me.

I'm going to wear a double XL size shirt,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to be a food critique when I grow up,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to try (and miserably fail) to make a name for myself,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to get kicked out of that tea store at the mall for drinking to much,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to care less about life and more about recording my television shows,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to pay for two seats when I ride the airplane,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to eat a tub of ice cream alone tonight,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to swallow sadness in front of you,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to later cry myself to sleep tonight,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to die of a heart attack,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to treat myself like I matter to you,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I am going to learn the hard way that love is for those who are beautiful enough to be cared for,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
I'm going to forget the hope of making love with a human,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
Instead I will make a cake with an oven,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.

You all probably this is one big joke,
because I'm fat and no one likes me.
But everything I just said is pure truth.
I'm fat and no one likes me.

P.S. My friend who helped me write this is fat and no one likes him. 

I'm Not Even Sure

That is more truth in one day than I've ever heard.
It was really an eye opener, and now I'm losing faith.
Not faith in my God, faith in humanity.
Faith in you.
You all claim the God is the way.
Then why do you have to fall into this.
I don't really understand why you think it's okay.
And I don't want to hear about it anymore.
I know I will though.
And it's going to hurt.
Like the time before.
And the time before that.
I think you need more self control.
You tell me I'm a good person.
I feel though, that's one of those "It takes one to know one."
And you are nice and friendly, but you are not good.
So your words have no impact on me.
But thanks for the compliment anyways.

And I am not really sure any other way to put it.
That's why it came out so awkwardly.
I'm sorry if you are offended in any way.
But you didn't seem to be.
That's a good thing.
But yeah, I think they are right.
It would probably be for the best.
And I wish it would.
But it won't.
And it's not that I don't want to.
It's that I'm scared.
I'm scared that it will all fall apart.
And friendship will turn into dust.
But I don't really even know.
What you think.
Just interpret this correctly.

Man, you are just an amazing person.
Most of the time.
Sometimes it's the harshness.
And that get's on my nerves.
But I know you got my back.
At all costs.
And you are more nice than mean.
And you are like a brother to me.
But your not.
We like to say we are though.
And I would like to say just one thing.
Just take a second, and rethink your actions.
And in the future, think before you act.
I still love you to death.
And don't take anything the wrong way.
I just thought you needed a bit of a reality check.
But you are an awesome person overall.
And it will always be a mystery.
But Lord knows I'm not arguing with it.
This is the best mystery ever.

يور ث بسط فريند أ جي كولد أسك فور. 

It seems like you have pain and joy dancing in your mind at one time
that you claim to hate but you express love everywhere else
it is confusing to me, how you could possibly stay sane is a wonder to me
but I guess I'll roll with it for now.

But when I first saw you, you were of a different nature
you never swore like this at that time
it seems God has become less of role model and more of a distraction
and you have told me, you don't very much like distractions.

You believe your life is a living hell on earth and that no person would ever want to be you
and that death would be an easy solution because of these problems you created
but let me tell you a funny story, a girl I was talking to today, I don't even know her name
missed the bus on purpose because she was to scared to go home.
Her dad beat her with a lamp yesterday, and when he called her to find out where she was he yelled
threatening to call the police if she didn't come home, and she knows if she does she will probably be beaten
the man was so drunk she could the the booze on his breath from over the phone,
and she started crying in front of me and everyone else.
We told her to go get help from the teacher, or do something
she said last time she did that she had no food...

for a week...
besides what her friends gave her...
her 3 friends...
she said it wasn't much. I believe her.

so next time you think about saying you life sucks, or that you have to many problems to handle
ask yourself:

"Would I rather be beaten with a lamp by my own father?"

Re-Live

The past was a time when responsibility was an idea
and we wouldn't understand it until years later.
And money was a cool little item that got you cool little toys
but now we need it to purchase a half-happy life.
You see children are fearless and willing to do anything
because they don't know that anything can harm them.
They don't care who looks at them when they sing or dance
because the public is to busy to care about their carelessness.

So lets laugh, and put responsibility aside;
lets relax, because happiness doesn't come from a dollar;
lets run away from our house built of frustration
into the fields of our childhood memories.

So lets jump off the highest bridge and be fearless again
lets sit down for a minute and be careless again
We'll scream and we'll shout;
we'll block out the world.
We'll dance and we'll sing
and forget about problems.
We will run through the fields,
wrapped in each others arms.
We'll laugh and we'll cry;
we'll be children again.

Change

How dare you say that to me

you are the most inconsiderate human being I have ever known

you yell in my face, telling me all the wrong things about me

then you turn around and tell me to CHANGE?

who are you to think you control every aspect about me

threatening to throw me away like trash

yeah, I totally see your "love" there

you and your love can shut up now

I don't ever want to speak to you again

clearly I understand you don't think I'm perfect

you don't ask a perfect person to change

and I know for sue now I'm not the person you want me to be

but your going to have to deal with that

I don't change for anyone like you

why would I change for a person who ruins my life

I change for people who I can feel love me

Those are the people I want to shape me into a better man.

And you call yourself a Christian

but you have broken God's rules time and time again

as if sin will never apply to your life

you nothing but hypocrites

and one day your skin will scrape the streets.

and I will crush the hopes and dreams of a beautiful ending

just like you crush mine today.

It's Breaking

You think your right but your always wrong
and I'm tired of having to put up with you.
It's yell and scream and ruin my hopes
and just like that remote you threw on the ground
we're breaking.

And it's not just this time
take a glance in this past
I am not new to this
but clearly you took it as a surprise
you should quit talking about how good you are
and realize not everyone is perfect like you
so quit proving yourself to me
because you have only proven yourself guilty

you say that its love
that you want the best for me
but trust me there is a fine line between support and abuse
and you crossed that line when you took it all away

and you tell me that it is stupid to believe
that dreams exist outside of our sleep
and in the day we should just do what we are supposed to
well guess what, now I'm day dreaming
connecting reality to imagination
I create worlds I put myself in
and it's not just when my eyes are shut
because I always drift away.

It's clear that I'm here for your benefit
and there is no reason for me to exist
you can yell all your lies into the room
I locked the truth long ago
now it rests deep inside my head.

This is no longer love or happiness
it has turned into a battleground
you say you are just supportive
but what you say is supportive
I say is abusive.

Turn Back Time

This is going to be generic as all gets out
everyone wants to say they wish they can turn back time
change something that happened before
so the future would be better.
but you told me your story
im so sorry for everything now
I love you so much
I didnt mean what I said
you never heard but I always screamed
and now I feel nothing but guilt
you wont hear this either
its better that way
never knowing my feelings
so I can talk behind your back.
I didn't know it was like that.
I never knew thats what happened.
And you take pills to sleep through the night.
Not because of energy
but because of stress.
I worry all the time
I have for years now
that you are dying
I dont want you to die
but I can't control everything.
I can't tell you to live
and expect life to work for me.
I wish God would let me turn back time
So I could be a kid again
and tell you that you were beautiful
despite being a mound
it was the future for all of us
now you can barely function physically
but you are a mental powerhouse
you are my scholastic idol
but your emotions are insane
and then you do something like that....

I wish I could turn back time,
watch the clocks tick in rewind.
so i could be a child and tell you all the wonderful things about you
tell you that you dont need this to be beauty
that you are the definition of beauty
it ruined your life
and now your ruining mine
you never needed to be this way
you beauty at the cost of health
your beauty at the cost of stress
you have ruined your life and now your ruining ours
I love you so much
but its just to much for me to handle right now.

But thanks for explaining
now I understand
but you say you will fix it
but its clear you dont even try
i dont know if i should say I love you
or i hate you
RIP or burn in hell
you were so beautiful once but you wanted to be beautiful
so you lost it all
wanting to be beautiful
at the price of true beauty.

Description

You look, but you don't see.
You hear, but you don't listen.
You talk, but you don't speak.
You exist, but you don't live.
And you die, and that is simply it.

Chivalry

Pushing everything in every way is the way you live. You expect everyone to live for you and do what you want because you must see yourself as the best. You are the reason chivalry is on her death bed but I am the reason she still breath's in the hope of standing again. But you, your cruelty from no respect for any human drives me to have no respect and my absence of heart will be her demise. I will stand for every blow to my heart as a protest of your painful force. No matter how many times you hit me I will be the one to end these wars. All these wars, so many wars fought because you have no heart for man and I have enough for two.  

They may be the demons that bind me by chains to the bottom of this pit but you are the one who fills it with ice so I may one day be as cold as you. I never want to be like you. You disgust me in every way and I will never beg you for help because you never could help me and you wouldn't help me even if you could. They took my sanity but I had hopes for a brighter future. You took that hope from me. You are no better than hell itself. Arms wide open... you are an easy escape from one hard problem to a worse one. You are impossible to leave. Your flames consume me and I know I will never have an escape.

Black Blood

 You march, leading an army of power and precision. No mistake was made because a plane was only as accurate as its flyer and two great towers fell. But you lead them to war now not for revenge. You march through their cities now for power, blood thirsty for power is what you have become. The streets were once cleaner than the minds of those they are dying for, now its stained black and red for you marched them in and out.

A child cries, father killed in an explosion, but for you its just the job. You send our people to kill their people who in return kill our people for 10 years and no victory has resulted. We have waited to long and danger is no longer the issue. You have dared take a human soul and put your own price on it. Media may say we need to be there for stability but stability was maintained when we hung their leader to dry from the blood shed he caused. No, we are not there for stability.

We have men and women risking their lives for a "worthy cause." Or, at least, thats what they were told on T.V., computer, lectures, everything. You say one thing but the truth was in files of a desk but hiding it is no longer needed. It was never for revenge and never for stability, not one of those would have been a worthy cause for us to stand and fight by anyways, but to those of us who don't know better, we believe it.

People I reveal to you the truth, and it's name is written in the same black and red on their streets. Red for the blood, and will always be. The black is why we remain there today. The black is of OIL. We march through for OIL. We kill for OIL. We stain the streets with OIL. It was never for revenge, it was for OIL. Not for stability, for OIL.

AND YOU PUT THE PRICE OF OIL AS THE PRICE OF A MAN'S LIFE! YOU PUT THEM THROUGH HELL SO YOU CAN HAVE A CONVENIENT LIFE! YOU KILL THEM THEY KILL US AND YOU SIT BY AND REAP THE BENEFITS!

Oil is what stain's the clothes of the dead bodies on the streets from the gun shots, the explosions. We walk through and leave our trace and the oil stains the blood black as midnight so they know why we are there.

Live by the army you tricked into fighting a worthless war, die by the uprising caused by billions of pissed of people, and the finger dripping with black blood points to you.

I'm Trying to Understand

I asked a friend once, "Why do you think people cut themselves?" And surprisingly, without missing a beat, no thought, I got my reply. "Physical pain overcomes mental pain."

But I don't understand, because physical pain can only last so long but mental pain will be there forever. And when you look down at your scars they will be reminders of why you put them there, that's mental pain. When you lock yourself in your room, your solitaire state will be the reminder of the people who stray away because of the cuts. I don't understand how you can feel eased by more pain. Does your offensive approach to your own self conscious require fighting fire with fire? But one thing I've learned is when you fight fire with fire, you only get more fire, and when you put physical pain and mental pain together the only result is suicide.

Make me understand! I can't comprehend what you accomplish when you put blade to skin. As it stands, I will do everything in my power to stop every last person from being tortured by themselves, and I don't believe in the theory of physical pain is better than mental, because mental pain won't leave scars.

Hollisterpostle & Fitch

Walk. You pay to be an advertisement. When you talk to me and I see what you wear I can only guess you are one of them. Generally this is true. But why do you need to pay $50 dollars for a little logo, a half inch wide and a centimeter high on the top left as if to seal your heart closed so you don't let the truth loose. You wear it as a sign of acceptance so that they all know who you are, but it says nothing more than that. Let me break this down for you:

$2 is a mosquito net

$2.50 is food for a week.

$5 is TWO SETS of clothing

$7 is a new pair of shoes

$10 is food for a month

With that $50 you can do one of two things here. You can help that person, who lost his sister to hunger, live, or you can by that shirt which say nothing about you, which makes you their tool, which makes you just another walking advertisement. You see I don't wear a shirt, I wear a personality. When I dress in the morning I make a statement. I put on a shirt with a band to show I like them and thats who I am, and I make it a XXL to have XXL more pride in who I am. It's my way of saying "Hey, World. Im a fat metal head, and I'm proud!" But you say "Hey, World. I have no character. Im just another robot in an army of nobodies..." Open your mind, who cares what they think of you. Dress who you are, cause right now all I see you is as Abercrombie's little Fitch.

Robots

Im sorry I don't march along, programmed to be imperfect creations. The way they want you to be so you can only turn to them when you are in bad luck. Im sorry that I'm not "normal" in your eyes because of my weight, music genre, friends, style. But I wont beg for your mercy, to be like one of you. I was once you, but I realized the truth. And when you notice a difference you beat them into re-programing a thought so the world can be the same as the rest. So we can all be little silent voices but believe we have purpose.

Im not a robot and I don't wish to be one. But running around saying "sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" only makes it worse, because you can only take that as a challenge. But you can't mechanize my mind back to the way it used to be. I look back at that, I have experience and I know what it's like to be a useless voice. At the time I still am, but at least I strive to be heard, instead of become a tool for them. You see, you can't mechanize me because I am no longer that robot of the army of everybody that is imperfect perfect. I wasn't made in a factory, I was made by a creator, greater than your government. 

So I propose you this choice. You can either be a robot of "normal". Or like me, different, but in a good sort of way.

We Are More Than Just a Family

We are more than just a family

We are a refuge for the lost
we don't care who you are
young, old, tall, short, fat, skinny, dumb, smart, rich, poor, strong, weak, proud, humble, living, dead, disabled, normal... normal... normal?
When you enter our doors your not normal anymore.
But we love our difference from them.
We embrace it.

But we need to venture out there, into the darkness,
we need to take our light and show them the way back,
back where they will be safe and sound,
a home... home?
no. no more home. home is a place some despise. others love.
instead we are a temple.

Because the people out there,
they may be illiterate,
but they are not blind, not deaf,
they see and hear evil,
but they turn the other way.

We will be the mirror that shows them the truth,
shows them that they are children,
and are apart of something greater.

I Only Am Who They Want Me To Be

I was a dreamer. I would have made it far into this world on nothing but a cloud. Breathing new life into those who wanted rid of their old. But they don't like that. That is what they will make sure they prevent. They will, instead, barrage my mind with so much useless information and force me to hold it in, and instead of being the creative me, I will be who they want me to be. They say it will help us, we will use it all in due time, I know the truth behind it all. If we went wild with imagination then America would be full of great people, and because the great wanted to feel special they push our ideas out by forcing us with new ideas. Ideas that will one day empty out into a computer while in a cubicle. Where is the fun in that? Break away. Be the different one. Everyone will think you are weird, that is only because they are apart of some robotic scam, and they will all march along. They only pay any attention to what has been told to them. "You will learn this, but to make you feel free you get to choose this." In the end, its all under their control. Their power. Their sovereignty. We will all just sit there staring at useless texts until we die off. Then they replace us an the cycle restarts. I'm not doing that, and I'm telling you not to either. This is your life. You get one life. Average 64.3 years. You will waste around 24, maybe more, getting lectured on information, most of it you will never need. Then another 36 on using the little information you needed inside of a box with no creativity. Imagination. Excitement. Then you will just retire, and in a few years die. If it was a choice to break away I would, but its law now. I never needed this. The only thing I needed, but will never get again, was a cloud.

 I wish I was a child again. Careless. Fearless. Creative. Imaginative. What a wonderful life it was, but I... We... will never have again. "To the children, the future of our nation. May they become mindless like the rest of us, controlled by those deemed fit to do so."

Who I Am is Who I Wish I Was Not

You eat my soul away. And even though I don't cry myself to sleep at night I know I wont be laughing, because of you. You are just false love but the true hate inside you overpowers and everyone can see it clearly, at least I can. I tried to satisfy your constant demands but you thought I was only giving in so you demanded more. You have made me a person i'm not. Because when you would put me down, I heard you loud and clear, and when you took all of my possessions away, you took away my sanity, and you could always find the downside to a beautiful thing. Who I am is who I wish I was not, or ever was, because of you.

I wake up every day dreading it, "God, why did you put me in this position?" Your heart is a void that consumes the souls and joy of others and you spit on their dried up miserable corpse. And though they cry blood, your tears persuade them to do what you ask, but your "woe is me" won't work anymore. My heart pleads to be free, and I dream at night that I will be one day, but your hands, like chains, hold me down in this hell. You took me to the edge of the cliff, but you wont push me off cause you need to use me. And since that is the way it will always be you will never get rid of me, so I will get rid of you. I loved you but you never loved me, and so I lost my love for you.