Schiz

We are all taught to be separate and yet the same.
Born, raised, live separate and the same.
We are mechanical sheep in a herd obeying orders not to stray off.
We are all machines, and we are made up of different machines.
The hand machine to grab, to throw, to write these words.
The eye machine to see and the ear machine to hear.
The mouth machine, the most controversial of them all.
It eats, it speaks, it breaths, it sucks. It does what the head-
the thinking machine-
tells it.
We are all separate machines with similar needs.
We eat, we drink, we sleep.
We shit and we fuck.
We are all separate by machine, but similar by function.
We all will to be led to a better tomorrow.
We hope by the grace of the God(s) of selected religion that we make it one more day.
They don't eat.
They don't drink.
You get the point.
We are us, and us is one.
Moving mechanically into the next.
We live, we love, we laugh.
We cry, we suffer, we die.
Perfectly on queue every time.
It's hilarious to watch.
They are them. Them is many where only one can exist.
We are false prophets playing this game that takes way to long.
Like Monopoly.
It's all for the profit.
We teach, they learn, they become us, we mechanize, nothing changes.
1+1=2 -1=1
That is the equation of the replacement.
That is all we are.
Separate pieces and similar functions.

Curious, Helplessness

It's not a hard habit to start
but it's a bitch to break out of it.
It will hit you like a ton of bricks,
and you'll think that you'll get over it.
It has a seductive personality,
naturally,
curiosity will get the best of us.
And you thought that you will get over it,
as if it were another teenage year heartbreak,
or some stupid mistake, accidental knee scrape.
It can't solve depression or tell you why it's there,
it only prolongs its existence, and feel bad later.

Life is not a person so don't blame it for your problems,
and neither is God, so don't blame him either.
They are both there to help you
and you bit the hand that fed you
and hunger hurts, but you cant stop it.
And you're helpless, but you wont ask for forgiveness.
You want to be the one to run the show.
You want to die saying "I held the reigns down this road."
And when it starts raining the pain will start singing,
and your deathbed will become your new pool of sorrow.
You prolonged its existence, now lets reminisce
on everything you forgot to hold to your heart,
you wont ask for forgiveness,
you say you want to accept punishment humbly,
with dignity,
but you are just so scared of being wrong,
you would rather die pridefully than know that you
lived this entire thing wrong,
and all you can blame is yourself,
because one day you sat down
and you lied to yourself

 you said,
"I'm gonna get over it,
and God help me, or I'll do it myself,
because I'm sick of this world
and he stuck me in it,
and it hurts so much,
I think I can fix it
I think I'll just walk it all off.
I can get over it by myself."

True Mastery

I see life more like an artisan skill you gain

and the only way to get better is through living.

We all start off as novices working to prove ourselves,

and work our way into apprentices.

We watch and learn from every teacher we have,

and gain knowledge from others failures and our own successes.

One day we'll leave home and become journeymen,

on our own to show the world what we have for them.

We will learn from our own failures and hear stories of others successes,

and become jealous because we want more of our own.

And as we grow we will soon become experts,

we will know how to handle they everyday routine.

But when the exotic hits us like a ton of bricks,

our best solution is to just fight our way through,

because we learned to do that a long time ago.

And as life gets closer we become professionals,

we are used to the mundane and exciting in life,

we can take on all that life throws at us,

and still come out alive.

However we will not escape

our inevitable fate in life,

and it will continue to grow closer.

And life is the only trait that we can never master,

and you will die trying.

Accepting Rejection

My mind is what it is

because I learned to accept "no"

but now I have no strive

to get where I need to go.

I know that true love

is only for those who can accept it

but in order to receive

you cannot be rejected.

My entire life has been 

a long list of denial,

and even though I try

that list is now in a file

and I have learned to quick send

every rejection letter there

so I can feel more secure

but I'm truly so sacred.

I am afraid from ever

hearing anyone say no

and when I grow up

having nothing to show

from trying hard all my life

and being turned down every time

love is what love was fifteen years ago,

a strive to be accepted,

and I've accepted that I'm not accepted,

and I've sent it to the file,

that way I will never care

and I will never be in denial.

I'll tell myself the world is just fine

but I'm truly scared of what it has,

but I'll lie so I can trick myself

but the truth now is not different from the past,

I'd rather be accepted,

than turned down and rejected.  

The Thief and Taxes

I was walking on a path many had traveled long before I had, and many will after I have, and until their time comes it is my time to walk among the millions of footprints still etched in the mud. As I was walking a man approaches and he calls himself my friend. He spoke so kindly it was almost hard to understand why he pulled out a knife and told me "give me your money or I can take it the hard way." Shocked, I accuse myself for falling for this trap of the thief, but then he reassured me, "Don't worry, this money will go to your protection, for down this road there are many wolves, bears, and thieves that will try to harm you, but I will keep you safe, just give me your money." Noticing his point, for the path did seem dangerous and I had no protection I actually felt safe giving him my money. When I do so and the man says, "I will go back into the woods, but don't worry, I will be there if there is a problem."

I continue down my path, and as I do there is no harm that comes near me. I realize the wolves he warned me about were foxes, and the bears he spoke of were just rabbits. There was no thief who tried to hurt me, but a beggar approached and asked if I had money. "No" I said, "I gave it to the man back down the road for my protection."
"There are no such things along this path that will harm you. The man was a thief that made you feel safe, and you paid him for safety you never will need. He stays down there along the path and steals from everyone else just as he has stolen from you."
"I will go back and get my money from him then-"
"It's to late for he is the strongest man around with an even sharper wit and tongue. Retrieving this money would result in your death."
"Well then what shall I do now?"
"You become what I have," the beggar said, "a victim of taxes."

Everyone Hates the Lawyer

I feel like a kid if I remember it correctly,
but I know I'll never be a child again.
I am no son of man because man doesn't want me,
I'm a stray dog left out of the pack.
I was no good at hunting, I was useless to them,
and now I sit cold and alone, knowing my future
rests in the hands of every decision that I make,
and I know that the wrongs outnumber the rights,
but if I could do the right thing just for once,
it would be for the purpose of proving it to all of you.
I am not a bad man, nor am I a blind man.
I am a weak man succumbed by sin.
I am not widely hated, but I want to be a lawyer,
so lets see how long this love lasts.
If I really, really could be anything when I grew up
I would want to be a child again.
I want to push buttons that make weird noises because I think it's funny,
I don't want to take everything so seriously,
If I could I'd be the same child that never shed a tear when I gashed open my leg,
or the one that fell down the stairs and was okay,
the one who smiled when everything in hell was against me,
and my only regret was missing the last Rugrats episode,
because I miss Rugrats just as much as I miss my childhood,
or good Spongebob episodes, or light-brights, or Bop It,
I miss it all but I'm expected to be more,
no, I'm expected to be less than the greatest I've ever been,
as a child, so foolish I was wise,
because I was so gullible I believed without a doubt in my mind,
but now everything I once knew has to many questions,
and no answer is available to quench my thirst for more understanding.
It forces doubt upon me and I want it all gone,
but it sits in the back of my head like every voice that mocked me,
saying it's all a lie and it was never real.
As a child I knew it was true,
but as I grew the truth seemed too true. 

Entry 2: Fear

A child has not heard so much as to know what will and what will not possibly hurt them. Up until around age 6 they seem to be fearless to everything around them because to them it looks like another toy. Example, when I was younger I used to love going on swings, and every chance I could get I would swing as high as I could, but now I think getting on one will snap it and trust me, that hurts. Yes, it has happened to me before, and I'm not sure if it's me getting older and knowing what can hurt me or just me being fat. Or both. All I know is I'm always a little hesitant to get on the swings now.

Here's a story I heard once. There was a little boy (because of my lack of knowledge of his name, I will call him Timmy) who loved the snow. He was about 5 and a half years old when it first started snowing and even though it wasn't much he went out and made snow angels. However, he waited until the biggest storm to go out and sled. Finally, a few weeks later it hit and it was exactly how he wanted it to be so he got out the sled and went to the big neighborhood hill. Now, at his age, all you want to think about is the fun aspect of whatever is happening, and all Timmy was thinking about was how fast he could go. He then went to the top of the hill and aimed down the street he would sled down.

Take in all the factors, big hill, lots of snow, fast sled, on a street which intersected with another. These are all the factors I look at before putting myself into a situation like this, but that is because I fear every possible scenario, and Timmy didn't. Timmy took a few steps back, then took a good leap and launched down the hill, and in seconds he passed the intersection and just had to drag his feet to slow down, except Timmy wanted to push it. He decided he would wait longer than usually to slow down. At the same time, a driver was backing out of his driveway furious that he had to go to work on such a cold day and that was just distracting enough to make him not even think about looking for anything, or in this case, anyone. Timmy was still going fast when he saw a giant metal figure appear before him, but dragging his feet was not gonna slow him down fast enough.

When Timmy thought he could go farther than usual he was proven wrong by the thick framing of the SUV in front of him. Timmy's last thought when going down the hill was the possibility of a car, all he thought about was his going down a powdery white alley, but cars are not powdery, they are heavy built with thick metal plating.

So back to fear, is it bad that we fear? Clearly, Timmy might have been just fine if he feared the possible outcome of his situation. Fear is what keeps us safe, it's what tells us to be cautious so we don't get hurt. Don't hate your fears, thank them. People are scared of spiders because they know that they can hurt you, or they are scared of the darkness because anything can reside there, but that is what keeps them from getting near spiders or the darkness, and that is why people like them will live longer. You're not tough because you say you're fearless, you are actually far weaker than everyone else.

However, don't let these fears control you. I hate heights but I love roller-coasters. You need to know that even though you may be scared of something, there is always a way to solve that problem. You can kill a spider, or take a flashlight. Figuratively, there is an imaginary "seatbelt" to every bad situation, rely on that seatbelt. Relying on it will help you feel more free.